In light of all the current hoo-ha regarding a certain has-been film director, and the perplexing apologias for his behavior, I’m writing this down now, so that when the time comes for this particular heart-to-heart I will have the text ready. Feel free to pity The Boy in advance for having to listen to this particular diatribe from his somewhat blunt and outspoken mother. Text is below the cut, to shield delicate eyes from repeated use of the “p-word.”
Son, as someone who has your best interests at heart, I thought that I would take a moment to remind all of you of one helpful fact:
You are in charge of your penis. Only you. No one has the ability to “make you” do stupid things with it. It’s all on you. Because last time I checked, you were a Homo Sapien and had higher brain functions that translate into being able to CONTROL YOURSELF. In other words, the penis? Is not interchangeable with the medulla oblongata, no matter how much you may want to believe this is so.
So if, for example, you decide to ply an underage girl with drugs and booze and then do unspeakable things to her, you do not get to flee the country, blame it on her mother, her physique, or your “needs as a man.” Your penis is not an independent actor. It does not wander the earth like Kane looking for enlightenment. It is attached to you, and while you may have trouble learning to control its tendency to become engorged at inopportune times, you are still in charge of where it goes and what it does.
Remember this. And if that doesn’t work, and you find that your penis is still giving you trouble, then I leave you with those age-old words of wisdom: think about baseball. Or geriatric nudists playing beach volleyball. Whatever works.
September 30, 2009 at 10:26 pm
You know what is sad? Darling roman would be flabberghasted by you calling him a has-been.
October 1, 2009 at 1:06 am
Aww, poor widdle man! Heaven forfend I upset his delicate artistic constitution! Urg.
October 1, 2009 at 2:25 am
Your penis is not an independent actor. It does not wander the earth like Kane looking for enlightenment.
On the other hand, you could get a pretty funny indie comic strip out of it if, in fact, it did…
October 1, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Same speech to daughter about uterus? Whatever else he does, “The Boy” will never come home preggers.
October 1, 2009 at 2:15 pm
do you mind if I borrow this for the talk I will have to have with my son in 12 or 13 years? Could not have said it better myself.
October 1, 2009 at 6:11 pm
Kirsten –
That reminds me of an old indie song, “Detachable Penis,” which is hilarious. Wikipedia has an entry on it if you’re curious.
LB –
Working on that one, although if The Boy ever has a part to play in a young woman’s unplanned pregnancy, he will bear that burden the same as she does, by God.
Chandler –
Feel free!
October 2, 2009 at 7:55 pm
Without putting too fine a point on it, if “The Boy” knocks some girl up she can have an abortion whether HE wants the child or not. Conversely, if she decides to keep the child against his wishes, HE will be on the hook for the next 18 years. IOW, the knocked up girl has rights and choices; “The Boy” does not.
There has been a subtle shift in responsibility in the last 50 years. In the 50s and somewhat into the 60s, if a girl got knocked up, it was her fault. However, these days, a slutty girl can hop from bed to bed with multiple men and if she becomes pregnant it’s the guy’s responsibility.
Notice the passive voice. “She becomes pregnant”. Like she was somehow out of town with her legs crossed and arrived home only to find a fertilized ovum waiting for her in her uterus.
You really want to be scared and be kept awake at night? Wait ’til “The Boy” gets to college and watch the predatory behavior of girls in their late teens and early 20s and realize that one little slip, or one little lie (I’m on the pill – really, I am) can make him a court-ordered indentured servant until early middle age. (Says the father whose own “boy” is a college senior.)
October 2, 2009 at 9:55 pm
When I substitute taught in the Wake County schools a year and a half ago, only two of the blogs on my blogroll were banned by the schools’ net nanny software. Oddly enough, they were both local Wake County blogs. (You do live in Raleigh, don’t you? Or at least close by.) I forget why Betsy Newmark was banned, but the net nanny told me I couldn’t see yours because it was “pornographic”. I suppose the software was doing word-searches on the occasional post like this one and jumping to the wrong conclusion.
October 3, 2009 at 12:16 am
LB –
All the more reason to teach him self-control as self-defense then, right?
Dr. Weevil –
Ooh! Banned by the school system! I’m feeling strangely counter-cultural right now. Yeah, I am close to Raleigh, and the whole “p-word” thing, and/or some of the anatomical references in the pregnancy blogging would be enough to trip the sensors–sorry!
October 5, 2009 at 9:58 pm
Good advice and very much like the conversations we’ve had at this house.
And my son knows, as much as I love him, were rape ever cried in conjunction with his name, I’d be the first in line to kick his ass. He knows I’ve been raped and that it’s not something anyone should ever have to endure. I kind of think he’ll behave (mostly because 1 – he’s too sensitive about possibly hurting someone and 2 – he fears letting me down.)
October 6, 2009 at 1:06 am
Hey Da Goddess. Before you beat the crap out of your kid, just because you’re angry that you were raped, don’t assume that other women don’t lie about rape. cf. Crystal Gail Mangum and Danmell Ndonye.
For you, though, apparently the accusation is enough even when it’s your own son. Apparently you’d fit right in on Duke’s faculty.
October 14, 2009 at 2:32 am
Locomotive Breath: that’s a terrible middle-class thing to say, that The Boy will be on the hook for decades after The Fact. Among lower socio-ec groups, The Boy is completely removed from the picture –much as in elephant society, males basically wander alone or in cohort groups while matriarchal groups raise the young. Terribly sad and destructive, but alas true.
(new visitor. awesome joint! adding to RSS feed)