Apologies for the absence – but there’s been so much stupid going on in the world that I honestly wasn’t able to focus my energies on just one item.
Also, thanks to all the reassuring commenters on the last post. For now, the rational brain is in charge. This will, of course, be subject to change as the next hormonal wash approaches, but whatever. I’ll just eat some cheese and crackers and move on.
Or maybe I’ll watch another episode of “Deadliest Warrior,” my new favoritest show EVER! And no, I am not being sarcastic.
It’s got grown men hacking up flying pig carcasses with ancient weaponry in an attempt to answer deathless questions like, “So in a battle between an Apache indian and a gladiator, who would win?”
I’m not kidding. The latest one I saw had William Wallace putting the serious smackdown on Shaka Zulu, complete with re-enactors and lots of fake blood. Because we all know that should Wallace and Shaka ever encounter each other while randomly wandering the California countryside, conveniently armed to the teeth, a huge deathmatch involving Claymores and spitting poison would ensue.
I love this show. It’s like everything I ever wished would happen while watching those lame History Channel re-enactments of battles, where a bunch of pudgy dudes pretend to get cut down on Pickett’s charge. I mean, they have EXPERTS! In a LAB! A doctor who pokes his fingers into the slash marks made in the lifelike human torsos and confirms killing blows! A computer programmer whose name is Max Geiger! And a bunch of dudes who really, REALLY like hacking up pig carcasses that are being propelled across the room at them at high speed! The hilarity, it does ensue.
Next week, the IRA will take on the Taliban. I am not making this up.
Oh, and FYI? In a fight between a pirate and a medieval knight, the pirate totally wins.
May 28, 2009 at 4:29 pm
If “Deadliest Warrior” were actually on the History Channel, there would already be episodes on a battle between a UFO and a Haunted House.
May 28, 2009 at 5:17 pm
Well, of course the pirate wins. He has firearms.
May 28, 2009 at 6:52 pm
I would probably watch that show, sad to say. I’m giving the edge to the UFO.
May 28, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Sigivald -
But the bullet couldn’t pierce the armor effectively. The grenado was the real difference maker there.
Yes, I did pay that much attention.
May 29, 2009 at 1:46 pm
So this is basically what would result if the guys from Mythbusters had a really big budget and taught a topics in history course?
May 29, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Michael –
Pretty much.
May 29, 2009 at 7:37 pm
I saw this show, but I found the results kind of skewed. An Apache defeats a Roman gladiator? A Samurai defeats a Viking?
I can possibly accept the Samurai winning against the Viking, since the Samurai was a professional warrior class and the Vikings were.. not necessarily. I do find it a little incredible given the Vikings would certainly demolish Samurai in close combat due to their physical advantages and armor that could defeat the Samurai’s Katana and Naginata (expecting all Samurai to carry the blunt weapon is kind of unlikely given their ethos). The Samurai had a big ranged advantage though, and not because the bow is obviously a better weapon than the spear/javelin (Vikings certainly did use bows). Mounted archers give a big mobility advantage for the Samurai, but it’s unclear whether that would mean they would win a war — Hit and run tactics may not help if your town and base of operations gets sacked, and as soon as Vikings got entrenched using mounted archers loses a large amount of effectiveness.
But the gladiator is a professional warrior, while the Apache is, again, not necessarily The gladiator also has a height, weight, and equipment advantage. The only reason I felt like they had the Apache win is because the show seems biased against “western” warriors.
May 29, 2009 at 10:01 pm
I agree with Also Noted. I was firmly in the Viking camp on that one. I thought it unrealistic to have them fight in a prescribed manner – first this weapon, now this, then this. That doesn’t seem to me to be anywhere close to real battle conditions. I don’t know how else they could do it though.
June 1, 2009 at 2:02 pm
The only episode I’ve seen so (far) featured a ninja in combat with a Spartan. The Spartan won the computer simulations 65 percent of the time. But, of course, the battle conditions did not favor the ninja, who would prefer to slip into the Spartan’s tent and kill him while he slept, rather than fight face to face in a sunlit open field. So sometimes the conditions that are set up–face to face combat, daytime, etc. can influence the victor as well.
June 2, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Spetnaz vs. Green Beret was a classic study of contrasts between overly pumped up Americans and coolly confident Russians. Host: “You’ve just disarmed yourself.” Spetznaz response: “I still have my hands.” Lots of testosterone (or steroids?) abound. I always love how the David Wenham sounding narrator says “The is unimpressed.” Great stuff.
June 5, 2009 at 2:11 am
DW definitely rocks. All they need now is to cross-breed it with Celebrity Death Match. Just picture Michael Moore as the Viking versus Mel Gibson as William Wallace.
Although Moore would work better as a sumo wrestler.